Communicating with your Teenagers

         "Your children will become what you are; so be who you want                                                          them to be."

It seems to be a delicate thing, parenting. We all have different perceptions of what a good parent looks like. Some people might have had demanding, domineering parents when they were younger and feel that that is how they should present themselves--they turned out alright--right? They could also feel that they shouldn't be like their parents and try to be a permissive parent who doesn't ever yell or reprimand. The same goes for the opposite. What is the best kind of parent?

This week, I watched several videos on how to properly communicate with teenage children. It was beyond enlightening as I recognized some of the bad patterns and mistakes my parents made when they communicated with me that made my behavior worse growing up. After viewing these trainings, I realized that the best parent is a polite one.

Why should we be polite when we speak to our children? The reason, as Peggy O'Mara says so simply, is because, "The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice." Haven't you ever realize that there is a part of you that is like your parents, regardless of how much you fight it? The way we treat our children becomes the way they treat other people. If we treat them with respect and show them that we are willing to listen to them, they will treat us the same way. A child who feels understood by their parents is a child who can come to their parents when something is wrong. They are also more likely to follow your direction when you do ask them to do something.

One of the scenarios that I watched in these training videos for parents involved a mother and her son. Prior to this clip, we had seen the young man try to convince a girl to have sex with him. The girl said no and got angry and left. They were both inebriated and after she left, we heard his thoughts on how he was worthless because he hadn't had sex and how he felt like nothing was going right in his life. It had been an attempt to gain some confidence. In the next scene, he is sitting on the couch looking very upset. His mom comes by and asks him what's wrong. He expresses that something happened with the girl he liked and she wasn't talking to him. His mom asks if he wants to talk about it and he said he doesn't want to. She asks him why he always just sits around and tells him to stop moping about the house. Because of this, he gets angry and feels she doesn't care. This adds to his feelings of low self-esteem.
What happened?

The scene did a retake and the mother expressed again that she would love to listen if he does want to talk. He thinks for a second and asks for some advice about apologizing. She points out some things about him that are good and praises his sweet attitude while encouraging him that if he's sincere, the girl will accept his apology. She then repeats her support if he needs anything else. Instead of getting mad that he wouldn't talk, she tried harder to show her love and gained his trust. On top of that, she gave him positive reinforcement by pointing out good things about him and made him feel more confident.

One of the most important things that children need, especially teenagers is contact. Whether that's acknowledging them by giving them direct eye contact when you talk to them, high-fiving them for a job well done, hugging them when they are happy, sad, or mad, or just tickling them when you pass by them at home. Babies who don't receive contact in hospitals have higher rates of mortality. It has also been shown that kids in orphanages who have hardly any human contact don't develop properly and can develop mental health issues as well as physical deficiencies. Showing your children appreciation, physically and vocally is not only important, but vital to their growth in all areas of their development.

I know that Heavenly Father put us in families for a reason. Just like Heavenly Father doesn't degrade us, yell at us, or take us for granted--we shouldn't do these things to our children. He comes to us in a still small voice, respectfully reminding us of the important things when we get off track, and gently guiding us to the right way. I feel that if we do our best to emulate the Savior in our lives, we can become good parents. Becoming more like Christ means becoming more like our Father in Heaven, and I think he's the best parent we could ever pattern ourselves after.

How hard can it possibly be to switch from two incomes to one income? This is a huge problem for couples who decide to have a child for the first time and want the wife to stay home. Or when a spouse loses their job suddenly. There are a lot of different situations in which this happens, but how easy is it? It can be a very difficult challenge.

One of the first things you can do is budget. If you are already budgeting, go over your budget and keep track of each transaction, including vending machine runs, soft drink stops, and other small things that are often forgotten about. In order to make a change, you must adjust and start saving immediately.

The best thing to do is to start living off of one income as soon as possible and save the rest you have left. Some couples live off of one income from the very beginning so when they have children or other life emergencies come up, they have savings in the bank and a good system already in place. But for those who didn't start out like that, making the change sooner rather than later will help you get a head start.

My parents lived off one income throughout my early elementary school years. When they separated in 4th grade, my mom had to get a job and support us, as my dad was paying off debt and she wasn't allowing him to see us for awhile. In order to supplement the income lost in the separation, my mother worked jobs that didn't need a lot of qualifications and sometimes worked two jobs. This was really hard. While it isn't a dual income to single income situation, it mirrors the financial responsibility and care we should take when we are financially stable. While not everyone wants to live frugally their entire life, periods of frugality and care in spending can help you to stay our of debt and other tough situations. If my parents had been better about saving when my parents were together and had borrowed and spent less, the separation might have been less of a financial burden on all of us.

Communication is key in any relationship. Whether you're friends, dating, married, related, or are business associates. It is not something that we can live without. Not only do we need communication in order to survive and develop properly, it is necessary to function in the world we live in. Some days I don't want to talk to anyone and  I dream of being in a Irish cottage all by myself sippin' hot cocoa and taking care of Shetland ponies--for the rest of my life. Then I realize that people in my life, while they can bring me down, more often uplift me and keep me sane.

Trying to communicate with one another can be hard because we intend for our message to come out one way, but it is interpreted a different way. When we receive a message, we often think of that message in terms of our own perspective, instead of from the the perspective of the one giving it. Our mood can alter how we decode someone else's message. It's all a jumbled mess of trying to figure each other out.

For myself, I find that body language is the number one way I try to decode what people are trying to say to me. If you tell me you "hate me" but then you won't let me go when I'm trying to hug you goodbye, I don't think you really hate me. In fact, the opposite message is conveyed. You can say one thing and mean an entire other thing. If the person you're talking to is perceptive, and knows you, they will generally understand what you're trying not to say. But even then, we can misconstrue.

Then there are people who hardly ever responds to messages, calls, or let you visit them in person, Those people who tell you they "miss you." No wonder we are confused all the time. How do we fix these problems? How do we understand one another? I don't have a clear answer, but the simplest one I can think of is to be honest and straightforward. Don't be passive aggressive about what you mean and ask others how they feel before assuming. An example would be something like this: "Am I right in saying that that thing I did earlier upset you?" This opens the door for that person to explain how they feel and whether or not you were the cause of it. Similar questions can be applied to many different situations.

When we are open and transparent about how we feel, we can have less fear that others will misunderstand. Even if people do, we can know that we did our best to convey truthfully what we are trying to say. Some people definitely twist words to purposely get something different out of your words. But for those who are trying to honestly understand one another, being clear and maybe even over-communicating is better than not at all.

          Generally speaking, life is super rough. Even the good days have their bad parts. Stressful times come and go, but stressful situational also come and STAY. In times like this, if we haven't learned coping methods, a crisis can occur. A crisis is defined as "a time of intense difficulty." When applied to the family, it is a time of intense difficulty that causes major adjustments in the family relationship and/or function. Every crisis causes change, pain and adjustment. But the ability of the family to cope with the situation is what defines it as a crisis or just another every day stressor. Some of these things could be a death in the family, sexual intimacy issues between spouses, divorce, loss of a job, financial problems, mental health issues, hospital bills, pornography, sexual abuse, or taking in an elderly family member. The way that we view the issue and how we respond as a family can make a huge difference in whether or not situations like this tear families apart or make them stronger.

          In my reading this week I read about healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Ineffective coping mechanisms will not usually give us "long-term constructive outcomes." They often make them worse. I wonder how often we make things harder on ourselves by using unhealthy methods. Consider these ideas from Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy:

• Denial - A defense mechanism in which people do not believe what they observe.
• Avoidance - Acknowledging the problem, but avoiding confronting and dealing with it.
• Scapegoating - Admitting there's a problem but finding someone or something to blame for it. -- [Selecting] a family scapegoat to bear the brunt of the responsibility for the problem.

Versus these methods that can help us overcome the problem and bring the family together:

• Take responsibility - Not only will not deny or avoid the problem or blame others, but also that you will not play the victim game. -- Even though you may have been victimized by . . . someone, you will not continue to act as a victim--hurt oppressed, exploited, in pain, and helpless.

• Affirm your own/your family's worth - You may have to remind yourself that you and your family are people with strengths and the capacity to cope effectively.

• Balance self-concern with other-concern - [Taking] responsibility for your own well-being . . . doesn't mean you should ignore the well-being of others. -- A healthy amount of both self-concern and other-concern on the part of at least some, but ideally all, family members.

• Reframing - Changing your perspective. -- You learn to redefine something that you had defined as troublesome as adaptive and useful. -- Reframing is not denial. It is based on the fact that people can look at any situation in a variety of ways.

• Find and use available resources - Internal resources include [family members themselves], family strengths. . .such as open communication of both beliefs and feelings. -- Religious beliefs. -- External sources include. . .family, friends, books, self-help groups, and therapists. . community resources.

          When I look at this picture, I think of how aware you would need to be to hold someone else up. I think of how you would need to know how heavy they feel, what's weighing them down, how hard it will come down on you when you try and support their weight--but this is all part of "mourning with those that mourn" right? I wonder how often we apply this part of our baptismal covenant to our own family? Because our family is so close, we often take for granted that when the family is in pain we are all in pain. How easy it is to become self-absorbed, to look for someone to blame, and to feel unsupported by others. But how much easier would it be if everyone took responsibility and cared for one another as they would like to be cared for? How understood would we feel--how supported? How important is it to confront problems before they get worse so that we can start healing?
          I believe that there is  way to overcome the hardest things in our lives. And what I love the most, is that these methods and ways of overcoming them are all over the scriptures. Christ taught all of this to us already, so that we can overcome through Him and have what we need to make it through this mortal time on Earth. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is like a road map for a hard, but happy life--because we are given all the tools to overcome each challenge. God is quite good.