Generally speaking, life is super rough. Even the good days have their bad parts. Stressful times come and go, but stressful situational also come and STAY. In times like this, if we haven't learned coping methods, a crisis can occur. A crisis is defined as "a time of intense difficulty." When applied to the family, it is a time of intense difficulty that causes major adjustments in the family relationship and/or function. Every crisis causes change, pain and adjustment. But the ability of the family to cope with the situation is what defines it as a crisis or just another every day stressor. Some of these things could be a death in the family, sexual intimacy issues between spouses, divorce, loss of a job, financial problems, mental health issues, hospital bills, pornography, sexual abuse, or taking in an elderly family member. The way that we view the issue and how we respond as a family can make a huge difference in whether or not situations like this tear families apart or make them stronger.

          In my reading this week I read about healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Ineffective coping mechanisms will not usually give us "long-term constructive outcomes." They often make them worse. I wonder how often we make things harder on ourselves by using unhealthy methods. Consider these ideas from Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy:

• Denial - A defense mechanism in which people do not believe what they observe.
• Avoidance - Acknowledging the problem, but avoiding confronting and dealing with it.
• Scapegoating - Admitting there's a problem but finding someone or something to blame for it. -- [Selecting] a family scapegoat to bear the brunt of the responsibility for the problem.

Versus these methods that can help us overcome the problem and bring the family together:

• Take responsibility - Not only will not deny or avoid the problem or blame others, but also that you will not play the victim game. -- Even though you may have been victimized by . . . someone, you will not continue to act as a victim--hurt oppressed, exploited, in pain, and helpless.

• Affirm your own/your family's worth - You may have to remind yourself that you and your family are people with strengths and the capacity to cope effectively.

• Balance self-concern with other-concern - [Taking] responsibility for your own well-being . . . doesn't mean you should ignore the well-being of others. -- A healthy amount of both self-concern and other-concern on the part of at least some, but ideally all, family members.

• Reframing - Changing your perspective. -- You learn to redefine something that you had defined as troublesome as adaptive and useful. -- Reframing is not denial. It is based on the fact that people can look at any situation in a variety of ways.

• Find and use available resources - Internal resources include [family members themselves], family strengths. . .such as open communication of both beliefs and feelings. -- Religious beliefs. -- External sources include. . .family, friends, books, self-help groups, and therapists. . community resources.

          When I look at this picture, I think of how aware you would need to be to hold someone else up. I think of how you would need to know how heavy they feel, what's weighing them down, how hard it will come down on you when you try and support their weight--but this is all part of "mourning with those that mourn" right? I wonder how often we apply this part of our baptismal covenant to our own family? Because our family is so close, we often take for granted that when the family is in pain we are all in pain. How easy it is to become self-absorbed, to look for someone to blame, and to feel unsupported by others. But how much easier would it be if everyone took responsibility and cared for one another as they would like to be cared for? How understood would we feel--how supported? How important is it to confront problems before they get worse so that we can start healing?
          I believe that there is  way to overcome the hardest things in our lives. And what I love the most, is that these methods and ways of overcoming them are all over the scriptures. Christ taught all of this to us already, so that we can overcome through Him and have what we need to make it through this mortal time on Earth. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is like a road map for a hard, but happy life--because we are given all the tools to overcome each challenge. God is quite good.