Communicating with your Teenagers

         "Your children will become what you are; so be who you want                                                          them to be."

It seems to be a delicate thing, parenting. We all have different perceptions of what a good parent looks like. Some people might have had demanding, domineering parents when they were younger and feel that that is how they should present themselves--they turned out alright--right? They could also feel that they shouldn't be like their parents and try to be a permissive parent who doesn't ever yell or reprimand. The same goes for the opposite. What is the best kind of parent?

This week, I watched several videos on how to properly communicate with teenage children. It was beyond enlightening as I recognized some of the bad patterns and mistakes my parents made when they communicated with me that made my behavior worse growing up. After viewing these trainings, I realized that the best parent is a polite one.

Why should we be polite when we speak to our children? The reason, as Peggy O'Mara says so simply, is because, "The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice." Haven't you ever realize that there is a part of you that is like your parents, regardless of how much you fight it? The way we treat our children becomes the way they treat other people. If we treat them with respect and show them that we are willing to listen to them, they will treat us the same way. A child who feels understood by their parents is a child who can come to their parents when something is wrong. They are also more likely to follow your direction when you do ask them to do something.

One of the scenarios that I watched in these training videos for parents involved a mother and her son. Prior to this clip, we had seen the young man try to convince a girl to have sex with him. The girl said no and got angry and left. They were both inebriated and after she left, we heard his thoughts on how he was worthless because he hadn't had sex and how he felt like nothing was going right in his life. It had been an attempt to gain some confidence. In the next scene, he is sitting on the couch looking very upset. His mom comes by and asks him what's wrong. He expresses that something happened with the girl he liked and she wasn't talking to him. His mom asks if he wants to talk about it and he said he doesn't want to. She asks him why he always just sits around and tells him to stop moping about the house. Because of this, he gets angry and feels she doesn't care. This adds to his feelings of low self-esteem.
What happened?

The scene did a retake and the mother expressed again that she would love to listen if he does want to talk. He thinks for a second and asks for some advice about apologizing. She points out some things about him that are good and praises his sweet attitude while encouraging him that if he's sincere, the girl will accept his apology. She then repeats her support if he needs anything else. Instead of getting mad that he wouldn't talk, she tried harder to show her love and gained his trust. On top of that, she gave him positive reinforcement by pointing out good things about him and made him feel more confident.

One of the most important things that children need, especially teenagers is contact. Whether that's acknowledging them by giving them direct eye contact when you talk to them, high-fiving them for a job well done, hugging them when they are happy, sad, or mad, or just tickling them when you pass by them at home. Babies who don't receive contact in hospitals have higher rates of mortality. It has also been shown that kids in orphanages who have hardly any human contact don't develop properly and can develop mental health issues as well as physical deficiencies. Showing your children appreciation, physically and vocally is not only important, but vital to their growth in all areas of their development.

I know that Heavenly Father put us in families for a reason. Just like Heavenly Father doesn't degrade us, yell at us, or take us for granted--we shouldn't do these things to our children. He comes to us in a still small voice, respectfully reminding us of the important things when we get off track, and gently guiding us to the right way. I feel that if we do our best to emulate the Savior in our lives, we can become good parents. Becoming more like Christ means becoming more like our Father in Heaven, and I think he's the best parent we could ever pattern ourselves after.