I had the unique opportunity to participate in a role play this week. In preparation for class, we were asked to read a document that talked about undocumented families, the average cost of deciding to come to America, the dangers, and the changes in the family that can be seen as time and space apart changes things.

On average it takes $4000 for each person to cross the border. For a family of 4, that's $12,000.They often have to try multiple times if they are deported or if the coyotes transporting them are dishonest and take their money without fulfilling their end of the bargain. Some die on the journey. You can only take what you have on your person. The more money you have the more likely you are to die. On average, it takes about 3 years to make enough money to relocate a family of this size to the U.S.

In this role play we initially had a nuclear family from Mexico: father, mother, son, and daughter. We also had an aunt and uncle, their child (cousin), and their grandma. I played the grandma in this situation.

We stood in front of the class for 45 minutes and gave our perspective of the situation presented and answered questions as if we were the family. The father of the family had decided that he would go to America to raise money for his wife and kids to join him in the U.S. He figured it would take about 6 months. So he took the dangerous trip to the U.S.,crossing the border illegally. The children were an 11 year old daughter and 15 year old son. The mother started working while Dad was gone and so did the son. The daughter spent a lot of time with her cousin. The aunt and uncle took on a lot of family responsibility to help take care of their sister and her kids. Grandma watched the children and played more of a parent role than a grandma role. Three years went by and the wife and 2 kids were finally able to join their Dad. Though less willing than they were at the start, they went. Thankfully, the coyotes kept their end of the deal, and the dangerous trip to the U.S. worked out alright.

When asked how I felt as a grandma, watching my family leave for possibly forever--I'm not gonna lie--I felt heartbreak.

My professor said, "How do you feel Grandma?--watching them leave?"

Me: "I feel like all my posterity is dying. I'll probably never see them again."

It got kind of quiet as my professor pondered that idea for a second.

Professor: "I've never even thought about it like that. You most likely won't ever see them again."

Putting all politics and prejudices aside that anyone might have for Mexican families that come into the U.S. illegally--I felt the struggle putting myself in the middle of that scenario. How hard to separate yourselves and dedicate all you have, even your peace and tranquility as a family, to make a better life for your children. I think everyone involved felt the reality of what some may go through when they try to come into the U.S. to make a better life.

As we continued with the role play, we saw how much the family dynamic had changed and how things weren't as easy as they predicted, The father who was once a man who took charge and oversaw other workers, was now on the low end of the ranks. The mother had to continue to work instead of being at home with her children all while adjusting to the father being the head of the household again. The aunt and uncle eventually came over from Mexico with their daughter, and everyone was living together. Without much privacy, the stress built. The children struggled to find friends at school because they didn't know how to speak English. There are so many things that altered the way the family was before. I can't imagine how hard it is.

My parents separated when I was 9 year old. I know what it's like to have a change in dynamic. After the separation we relocated well over 15 times before I graduated high school. It was hard to establish relationships and feel secure. I didn't have a dad for those years. While I now have an established relationship with my dad, I feel for these families. When one family member is misplaced--it changes everything.

I know that we have many goals for our family and it doesn't always work out like we planned. Although I'm not endorsing anyone moving into any country illegally, I know that our Heavenly Father is happy with our efforts to take care of our family. Sometimes we have to do hard things. I'm grateful that I won't ever need to feel the need to sneak into another country to create a better life for my children. But I'm sure that I will be asked to do many hard things as a parent in the future. I honestly pray for the strength often to make the right decisions so that I can affect my future family in the most positive of ways.

Seeing life from a grandma's point of view for just a minute, I felt the importance of leaving a healthy, successful family behind--and honestly--the hope of feeling loved and appreciated by them while I'm still here. I hope I can reach out to my elder family members and let them know how appreciative I am of them, even in their critical times. Sometimes it's hard not to be selfish and to remember that we are here because of them. When is the last time you called you mom, grandma, grandfather, father, uncle, aunt? Because of them we are here! Show some love. Appreciate. One day they'll be gone.

"The Earth will be smitten with a curse unless there is a welding link of some kind or other between the fathers and the children..." --D&C 128:18

Have you ever heard of a genogram? It is a way of mapping the family and viewing the way relationships develop and the results of those relationships between family members. I had a crazy week this week with my family--it was actually really hard. Going to class and discussing the different systems we see in the family and the way our relationships and interactions with each other effect the family got me thinking about what's going on right now. I can see patterns happening in my family!
One pattern I've noticed so far is that my grandpa, grand-uncle, and my dad were all married three times and the last marriage lasted the longest. The brothers only had children with their first wife and subsequently didn't want anymore children. My dad had children with each wife, but it didn't last in close relationships. I want to know how these patterns started, why they continued, and what might have made them happen in the first place. Is it because of the way the father acted?--the effect of the mothers?--the way they were raised?
In the Old Testament, New Testament, and the Book of Mormon, the Lord often mentions how in 3 or 4 generations the consequences of the actions of certain persons will be brought upon their descendants. We often think of the Lord punishing these people--but in reality it's the effect of our decisions now that will have lasting effects on our posterity. How wonderful it is that we actually have the power to effect not just us, but generations of family members by making inclusive, enriching decisions that lead to close, healthy family relationships. We can do it if we pay attention!
I have a goal to establish healthy patterns in my family. It'll be hard, but I know that the Lord has an outline for families. He has a Plan--it's simple. It's not a secret. It's laid out in the Atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ and his subsequent Plan for us to find a fullness of joy--in families. 

              The family is sometimes all I sit and think about. My family now. My future family. My friend's families. The family dynamics of the world nowadays. It can all be a bit overwhelming at times. We studied trends that are connected to marriage and family as well as The Population Bomb this week. It was startling to see all the things that can contribute to the rise or fall of a the healthy family in society. I realize that just because one thing happened doesn't mean it caused another--but there is some interesting evidence for these trends.

              Some of the things we discussed were pre-marital sex, co-habitation, divorce rates, the number of people living alone, and children being born to unmarried women. It is amazing how all these things seem to connect and contribute to the family dynamics we have today. A few weeks ago, I was watching a video--I don't remember who was speaking--and he was discussing the family. He said that children in my generation have been "dealt a bad hand". We had parents entering the workforce increasingly, relationships that aren't as close, smaller families, and parents who gave us everything so when we entered the workforce and were not ready for it--our confidence went down. He said we have the lowest self esteem of any generation. I thought that an intriguing thought.

              When I started this class, the first thing we read about was emotions--specifically the need for social interaction to function healthily and loneliness, I myself have anxiety and depression. It comes and goes, but I have moments everyday where I know that I need to go be around someone or I'm going to feel worse. I'm thankful that at this time I have wonderful roommates. In the past, when I've been lonely or hurt or unsure of why I feel bad--I'll call my sisters. But one thing I am sure of--WE NEED LOVE. We need other people. God made us that way! Just like wolves survive in packs and other animals are loners--we were made this way. It is a fundamental need.

              Out of all these trends there is one that makes me pretty sad. While I one hundred percent support working mothers, the amount of women leaving children under 6 years old in daycare while they work has gone up tremendously. Studies have linked higher self-esteem and confidence with those who have a close relationship with their mothers and teachers. Interesting right? I'm curious to delve into more details of these studies one of these days--but I wonder if our desire to work is having a negative effect on our children. Do we work because the world tells us we need to, for more money, or out of necessity? Often, we can do nothing about it--we often don't have a choice.

              Do some of us choose the desire for more money over quality time with our family?

              Why do we belittle the stay-at-home mom?

              How do outsiders opinions affect our view of raising a family?

              While many of us think that during the Baby Boom everyone had 10 children--that  number is quite wrong. On average, the number of children being born to a woman in her lifetime was 3.7. We always think of this time period as when our population increased like crazy. It did. But we started to worry. Why? The family is sometimes all I sit and think about. My family now. My future family. My friend's families. The family dynamics of the world nowadays. It can all be a bit overwhelming at times. We studied trends that are connected to marriage and family as well as The Population Bomb this week. It was startling to see all the things that can contribute to the rise or fall of a the healthy family in society. I realize that just because one thing happened doesn't mean it caused another--but there is some interesting evidence for these trends. It would take me hours to talk to about everything I learned this week, but I’ve attached a link to the documentary we watched this week below, if anyone is interested.

              In 1968, The Population Bomb was published. It said that big families are detrimental to the environment and our future. We won’t have any food left to feed the world if we have big family! The world will be a dump of a place. How will society function when there isn’t room to walk around or water to drink?

              The fact is, having children didn’t contribute itself to the growth of population. After World War II, the increase in effective healthcare practices and technology has almost doubled our life span. Not only are there babies being born, but people are living longer--of course the population is going to be higher. Sadly, studies also show that because we are having less children, when the population spikes, and the adults who were boom during the Baby Boom die, the population will start declining. The U.S. is one of few countries who has a fertility replacement rate that is high enough to keep the population steady. AND--for all of those people who hate immigrants or dislike them coming into the country--it’s only because of their contributions in big families, that we even have a replacement rate high enough to keep our population stable. Go figure!

              Unfortunately, The Population Bomb has had a lasting effect upon our view of families. I find it sad that, being based off opinion and visual observation, one man’s comparison of the entire planet to a third world Calcutta, sparked a change in the world view of the family. I heard interviews where people said  “Stop having big families so the few children you do have can have food” or “The opportunities for those in big families will be much less.” What is going on?! This kind of hurts my heart a bit. I have a big family, lots of skeletons in the closet, grudges, and quite a bit of dysfunctionality in places. But I wouldn’t give up my large family for the world. I have grown up learning things from each of my siblings and growing because of it. Some of them have helped me make decisions to be more responsible so I can handle my money better, other have helped me through being a bad example, or for being there for me when I needed someone. I learned life lessons. Big families are good!

              While I don’t believe every family is meant to be large, and many people cannot have children, I hope that we take the time to consider the spirits of those children that are waiting in the pre-mortal life. They would like to come down and have the same opportunity to live and learn and grow, as we do. Something striking hit me at the end of our last class. Our professor gave us the opportunity to discuss the question:

              “If you decide not to have a child, do they get another chance to be born?”
              My partner and I both decided that of course, God will let that child be born into another family, if we aren’t ready to bear that child at the time, or if we feel we want to wait to have children. Every soul will get the opportunity to come down.

              My professor then quoted an apostle and said something along the lines of “If you will not open up your homes and hearts to those spirits waiting to be born into a good family, then you leave them the chance of being born into a wicked one.”

              I’ve never thought about it like that and it made my desire to have a big family seem more important. What I didn’t realize before is, we can be the ones to make sure that our children get the same opportunities WE had growing up. While everyone is born into this life, as promised, we don’t all get the same opportunities in our mortal lives to learn and grow.

              I believe that solemn prayer is needed when deciding to raise a family. Not only do we need to prepare ourselves, but we also need to be open to the personalities, difficulties, and changes that will alter and enrich our lives when we do start having children. While I’m not married, I know marriage is difficult. But it can be an enriching and learning experience. I know that the world-view of what we should do with our lives is often the easier way. Having less children means more money for you and for your children. The only thing about that is--material things and opportunities can never make up for the social, loving connection of family members. God intended for our families to enrich our lives, but it is up to us what we make of the time we have with them. Burden or Strength? I hope you’ll think about it.

For those interested in watching the documentary we watched in class, it is listed here in 2 parts.
Demographic Winter Part 1
Demographic Winter Part 2

My name is Amy Lynne Jacques!

I'm currently taking a Family Relations class for my major in Marriage and Family. I'm excited to take this course and learn more about the family unit in general, but more specifically how I can help my family be closer and healthier in the future. I will be sharing many of my thoughts on my blog each week. Feel free to comment with your own impressions or opinionsl, I would love to hear from you!

Stay warm this week!