Sex education & sexuality--the importance of explaining what a healthy relationship is.

          Isn't this something we often overlook when we consider approaching our children about the "birds and the bees"? I feel that if you ask most adolescents and young adults about the reason for post-poning sex, they will most likely tell you because they shouldn't become parents too early or because they "just shouldn't." What I find most interesting about this is that we express the great blessing our children are to us, but then the main reason we give them for not having sex before marriage is to avoid having their own. I think a lot of kids are confused by this. And then there's the often religious misinterpretation that sex is bad. With a message that is all over the place, it's no wonder we see kids becoming curious and engaging in sexual behavior before marriage.

         When I was preparing for class this week I read an article called "Making a Love Connection". Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and Marline Pearson pointed a out a few key things:

"Survey research tells us that teens would like more guidance, information and conversation with parents and other adults about their early relationships. They want to know how to deal with their feelings and attractions. They seek “bigger” meanings for sex than the health-and-risk avoidance messages they commonly get. They would like alternatives to the sexualized peer culture. To continue to make progress in reducing teen pregnancy, therefore, it is not enough to tell teens to “just say no” or to give them information and access to contraception. The simple truth is that many teens are bored with such messages. It is necessary to find new reasons to inspire and motivate teens to avoid pregnancy and early parenthood. Relationship education offers the promise and possibility of giving teens more compelling reasons to postpone sex."

         It is essential that we take time to help children understand why sex can attribute to a healthy relationship, in marriage, and why it can be so destructive beforehand. While on that topic, defining things that make a healthy relationship and listing some reasons for desiring to have a more intimate and serious relationship, would help direct our youth better and give them motivation to analyze their relationships more closely. I wholeheartedly believe that this will help us to have healthier and closer relationships with our children and build more avenues for trust and openness, while giving them what they want--a little more clarity. If we don't do that, then they will take the worldly interpretations of a "healthy relationship" and use that to define their early dating experiences. What can we do? To put it simply, be honest and pay attention to your child and their questions. It doesn't feel so awkward when you realize that having these conversations in preparation rather than after something undesirable has happened is the best way to approach things.

Isn't it better to plan the wedding together instead of letting the mothers and daughters do it? Shouldn't the Father be in the delivery room comforting the struggling mom, instead of someone else? What is it about having children that can make marriage satisfaction levels decrease?

These are all questions that, to be honest, I never actually thought about. There are so many traditions, cultures, and social norms that we accept. It's a wonder that we don't ponder if there are better ways.

The first things we discussed this week was planning the wedding together. A lot of girls actually plan their wedding with their mothers. This time is bonding time and is best used to draw closer to your husband.

• How much can you afford to spend? 
• Do you want to enter marriage indebted to your parents, someone else, or do you want to create a budget you can afford yourself? 
• What kind of ceremony do you want? 
• How can this planning process apply to your preparation for marriage? 

If all these questions are talked over with the mother or mother-in-law, or sister planning the wedding--how does the husband feel? How much further away do we become from our future spouse before we even tie the knot? I'd say that this is one of the most pivotal times for couples to prepare and to overcome challenges as they stress and prepare for their wedding day.

Another problem is that the only thing a lot of newlyweds think about prior to the wedding is the wedding itself. Preparation for the actual marriage is forgotten. It can be very difficult and involves a lot of teamwork and communication.

• What kind of relationship are we going to have with our extended family? 
• How are we going to spend our money? 
• Are you someone who needs space when they sleep or are you a cuddler? 
• How are we going to overcome disagreements when we have an argument or a misunderstanding? 

It's important to set the stage for how the marriage will run before you enter into that contract. It can save time, hurt, and a lot of pain if you talk it out beforehand instead of trying to struggle through it afterwards. While every marriage will have it's rough times, regardless of preparation, laying a firm groundwork for trust can ease the adjustment and help you become stronger as a couple.

The same principles for these two ideas apply to the questions I asked at the beginning of this blog post. Sacred moments in a marriage should be thought out and planned together. Time, effort, and love should be communicated to each other before and after major changes in a relationship or marriage. Who will be int the delivery room, how you will raise your children, what you will apply from your own rearing experience, how involved the extended members of the family will be in raising your children, and how you will make time and support each other as equal parents is important to keeping a marriage alive and healthy during it's growing years.

I feel that just like we go to our Heavenly Father for guidance with everything else--we communicate with Him--our spouse deserves the same. We must communicate with our spouses and sometimes, set boundaries with other members of the family, in order to create our own heaven at home. We have many expectations of each other, some that the other person may not know about. Letting them know about these expectations and needs and working together to be the best you can be is the ideal way to form a marriage. I know healthy family relationships are built on trust, love, equality, a love for the Lord, and mutual understanding. Lean upon your Father in Heaven when things are hard, but remember that He gave you your spouse to lean on, too. Help each other and be open. You will find miracles can happen continually throughout your lifetime together.

Why are we attracted to people who are total jerks? What is it that we find so "great" about them? The term "misattribution of arousal" is something I did not know about until this week. This is when we associate the adrenaline rush we are feeling with feelings of love. Research has shown that when put in situations where we feel adrenaline(such as a haunted house, a roller coaster, or even viewing 20 minutes of war footage)--women are more likely to rate men as 2 points more attractive, on a scale of 1-10, whereas before they had rated them lower. Studies have literally shown that when shown a picture before an exciting amusement ride and afterwards, this phenomenon was happening. But it was almost entirely happening to women! Wow! I look back on the dates I've had, the experiences with men, and even just the confusion I've had over exciting guy "friends" who I wasn't sure if I liked or not--and I see this!

Something that I believe feeds this is the media. The movies and the music all tend to paint an exciting, adventurous guy as the one who gets our hearts pumping. Seems to me, that sometime what's pumping through our hearts isn't love, but an adrenaline rush that we mistake for it. My professor even said he knew a guy would purposely take girls on long, exciting dates the first date to make them like him more because he knew this was a real effect on us.

A few days ago, I ordered the book "How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk". Why? Because this is a tendency I have found trapped by for my entire dating life. He speaks much truth in this book--please read it! I'm only 3 chapters in, but I already feel like I'm finding out why I've fallen for jerks time and time again. Not every guy I've liked has been a jerk, but there have always been things that have kept it from lasting. I know that there is a person out there for me--I'm actually quite the catch. Many of us are, but we start to feel as though we aren't because our track record shows us with the same type of guy or girl over and over and over again.

In order to break the pattern, we must look to ourselves first--aren't we the common denominator? Van Epp said something that I really appreciate, "Fix yourself first, or your unresolved emotional problems will disrupt both your choice of a partner and the relationship you establish." Regardless of how healthy we seem to others, I believe everyone has things they need to work on and some have things in their past they haven't resolved. If we can recognize the patterns, or the "why" of our actions, I feel we can better understand why we keep going in the wrong direction. Are we misleading ourselves? I know that in the past, I felt that opposites attract. Lately I've realized how refreshing it is to meet someone who has things in common with me! How great is it to feel comfortable in your own skin.

Dating is tough and falling in love is even rougher, but there is hope out there. I believe we need to take things into our own hands if we are to figure out our love lives--but that we should seek direction from someone who knows better. In my personal life, I can confidently say that God has directed my paths. I've had many a situation where I wanted to date someone, but felt so wrong about it, and couldn't explain why. Later on, I found out many reasons why said people would have been bad for me, or even toxic. There is One who is all-knowing. He sees all and can help all who come unto Him. If you're having a rough time, give a shout out to your Father in Heaven. He's cheering you on and wants to help guide you in finding an eternal partner. He won't do everything for you, but as we take little steps to understand ourselves better, we will open up our hearts to receive revelation and LOVE

How To Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk

Looking Through Rose-colored Glasses by Rachel Segura, '17

Same-gender Attraction. It's a hefty topic and a controversial one. Personally, this is a topic I've been increasingly interested in as I have become older, mostly because when I was in middle school and high school, I identified as a bi-sexual. A lot of people don't know this about me, and it often surprises them, but my close friends and I often joke about those days. I usually describe it as a phase, but based off research, there was a lot more that can influence same-sex attraction than I thought. I also found the discussion on gender roles very interesting to me. Everyone but my family thought I was a boy growing up, so hearing my classmates opinions was really intriguing, but I'd like to focus on the first topic today.

Growing up there was six children in the house and my parents. My half-siblings had a lot of influence on me growing up. I always aspired to be like my older sister Christina. She was so cool and collected all the time. My brother was a little adventurous with his teenage adventures and that kept me out of trouble for a bit, seeing him struggle, and my other half sister was always boy crazy. I think I took on a little bit of each of their attributes when I entered middle school and high school--even though they had all moved out by that time. I had a rough time in school. Figured out I liked boys and girls, which started with my friend enlightening me on the options of sexuality: bisexual, heterosexual, or gay. I'm still not 100% sure when I decided what I was, but I remember finding women attractive and being intrigued by them for a number of years beforehand. I felt like my eyes had been opened. My mother had her suspicions, my extended family found out after I came out over the dinner table once at my aunts, and no one said a word. The most crap I ever got for "being me" was from my suspicious mom, but not even much then--just disapproval. I believe that because of my motivation and desire to change, along with my religious beliefs, any desire to date women left a few years after graduating high school. Does this happen with everyone? No. Can it happen, I believe it can.

According to research there is not just one way to categorize someone who has same-gender attraction. Science seems to show that there are psychosocial aspects, possible biological traits and honestly our agency, that can influence this. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to write a political post about my stance on this issue. It's far-reaching and complicated. What I am saying is that research shows that we aren't "born that way" exclusively. In fact, some LGBTs would find that offensive saying that stance degrades their choice to love someone of the same sex. As if it were a disease they cannot rid themselves of if they wanted to.

I say we because I don't believe I was born to like men and women the same. If I was, I'd still consider dating women. I do believe that a lot of things in my environment growing up influenced me and that I also chose to define myself as such for a number of years. I also chose not to date women later on, because my choices led me to desire men exclusively.

I never went through reparative therapy like some people do, but after the discussions and videos I watched this week, I believe the option to receive therapy for those who would like to try and change is good. I believe that just like the option for men and women to date whomever they want, watch whatever movie they want, go to counseling for whatever issues they feel they are struggling with--if they dislike the same-gender attractions they have, or feel bad, sad, mad, or are just curious about themselves and what science shows about same-gender attraction, they should have a right to seek out help--even if just to understand themselves better. I find it appalling that people would want to make therapy like this unavailable and label it as wrong because the world thinks people are "born that way". If "God made me this way it shouldn't be something that should be treated".

I think this is so personal that I believe anyone should have the option, but I don't believe children should be forced to enter into such therapy against their will because of disapproving parents. Many people have gone through reparative therapy and have changed. Some haven't. And not everyone will. Every therapist I've seen discuss the issue admitted that it doesn't work for everyone, but the likelihood of it working is higher in those "motivated" individuals. Even for some of them, it does not always work. It's a complicated thing. Do such individuals need to be "fixed"? NO. I don't think there's anything wrong with them because they believe differently than I do. There are people, on both sides of the spectrum, that change their perspective of themselves throughout their life, and they should have a place to go should they seek a change.

I know that for me, I have learned to respect my friends who don't share my heterosexual identification. I have many friends who love themselves for it and those friends who fight against it because they don't want those feelings. I hope that we can all gain a greater respect and love for one another and a better understanding of the research that is being done to TRY and understand this issue better. Unfortunately, research on this subject has become increasingly controversial and some are trying to prohibit it. I know that knowledge can open up doors of understanding for those who seek it. If we could all put away our political platforms for a minute and share what we know to be true and what we feel, we could find more light and love.