Have you ever seen the movie "BLENDED"? In this movie, two single parents who had a terrible first date, end up falling in love on a vacation in Africa. Their children become friends and the strengths that they each have in regards to parenting styles, really help them mesh their families and become one with time. It's a pretty funny movie that stars Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. I highly suggest it if you want to laugh, but it brings up a lot of good points.

This is what I was thinking about this week as we discussed divorce and blended families. They are everywhere. For myself, my mom was a single mother and never remarried after my parents separated. But a lot of people do. How do you go about parenting, if kids are involved? How do you go about meshing two lives when you've already lived a past life with someone else. I can't imagine how difficult it could be.

One thing I can say, is that it takes time. On average, it's suggested that people date someone for 2 years before they decide to get remarried. It can be difficult for a spouse, much less someone else's children to assimilate and adjust to such a huge change. Dating a person and trying not to compare or change yourself to fit them can be hard. But when you're already set in your ways, a new relationship can be a difficult adjustment for everyone.

All I've got to say on this subject is that time tells all and it also heals all. If anyone is considering beginning a new relationship, whether they have kids of their own, or are thinking of re-marrying someone who already has kids, prayer had best be involved. The hardest things in life require a lot of personal, mental, and emotional stress. Who else to rely on, to know how to rebuild a family, than the God who gave us families in the first place? .

Communicating with your Teenagers

         "Your children will become what you are; so be who you want                                                          them to be."

It seems to be a delicate thing, parenting. We all have different perceptions of what a good parent looks like. Some people might have had demanding, domineering parents when they were younger and feel that that is how they should present themselves--they turned out alright--right? They could also feel that they shouldn't be like their parents and try to be a permissive parent who doesn't ever yell or reprimand. The same goes for the opposite. What is the best kind of parent?

This week, I watched several videos on how to properly communicate with teenage children. It was beyond enlightening as I recognized some of the bad patterns and mistakes my parents made when they communicated with me that made my behavior worse growing up. After viewing these trainings, I realized that the best parent is a polite one.

Why should we be polite when we speak to our children? The reason, as Peggy O'Mara says so simply, is because, "The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice." Haven't you ever realize that there is a part of you that is like your parents, regardless of how much you fight it? The way we treat our children becomes the way they treat other people. If we treat them with respect and show them that we are willing to listen to them, they will treat us the same way. A child who feels understood by their parents is a child who can come to their parents when something is wrong. They are also more likely to follow your direction when you do ask them to do something.

One of the scenarios that I watched in these training videos for parents involved a mother and her son. Prior to this clip, we had seen the young man try to convince a girl to have sex with him. The girl said no and got angry and left. They were both inebriated and after she left, we heard his thoughts on how he was worthless because he hadn't had sex and how he felt like nothing was going right in his life. It had been an attempt to gain some confidence. In the next scene, he is sitting on the couch looking very upset. His mom comes by and asks him what's wrong. He expresses that something happened with the girl he liked and she wasn't talking to him. His mom asks if he wants to talk about it and he said he doesn't want to. She asks him why he always just sits around and tells him to stop moping about the house. Because of this, he gets angry and feels she doesn't care. This adds to his feelings of low self-esteem.
What happened?

The scene did a retake and the mother expressed again that she would love to listen if he does want to talk. He thinks for a second and asks for some advice about apologizing. She points out some things about him that are good and praises his sweet attitude while encouraging him that if he's sincere, the girl will accept his apology. She then repeats her support if he needs anything else. Instead of getting mad that he wouldn't talk, she tried harder to show her love and gained his trust. On top of that, she gave him positive reinforcement by pointing out good things about him and made him feel more confident.

One of the most important things that children need, especially teenagers is contact. Whether that's acknowledging them by giving them direct eye contact when you talk to them, high-fiving them for a job well done, hugging them when they are happy, sad, or mad, or just tickling them when you pass by them at home. Babies who don't receive contact in hospitals have higher rates of mortality. It has also been shown that kids in orphanages who have hardly any human contact don't develop properly and can develop mental health issues as well as physical deficiencies. Showing your children appreciation, physically and vocally is not only important, but vital to their growth in all areas of their development.

I know that Heavenly Father put us in families for a reason. Just like Heavenly Father doesn't degrade us, yell at us, or take us for granted--we shouldn't do these things to our children. He comes to us in a still small voice, respectfully reminding us of the important things when we get off track, and gently guiding us to the right way. I feel that if we do our best to emulate the Savior in our lives, we can become good parents. Becoming more like Christ means becoming more like our Father in Heaven, and I think he's the best parent we could ever pattern ourselves after.

How hard can it possibly be to switch from two incomes to one income? This is a huge problem for couples who decide to have a child for the first time and want the wife to stay home. Or when a spouse loses their job suddenly. There are a lot of different situations in which this happens, but how easy is it? It can be a very difficult challenge.

One of the first things you can do is budget. If you are already budgeting, go over your budget and keep track of each transaction, including vending machine runs, soft drink stops, and other small things that are often forgotten about. In order to make a change, you must adjust and start saving immediately.

The best thing to do is to start living off of one income as soon as possible and save the rest you have left. Some couples live off of one income from the very beginning so when they have children or other life emergencies come up, they have savings in the bank and a good system already in place. But for those who didn't start out like that, making the change sooner rather than later will help you get a head start.

My parents lived off one income throughout my early elementary school years. When they separated in 4th grade, my mom had to get a job and support us, as my dad was paying off debt and she wasn't allowing him to see us for awhile. In order to supplement the income lost in the separation, my mother worked jobs that didn't need a lot of qualifications and sometimes worked two jobs. This was really hard. While it isn't a dual income to single income situation, it mirrors the financial responsibility and care we should take when we are financially stable. While not everyone wants to live frugally their entire life, periods of frugality and care in spending can help you to stay our of debt and other tough situations. If my parents had been better about saving when my parents were together and had borrowed and spent less, the separation might have been less of a financial burden on all of us.

Communication is key in any relationship. Whether you're friends, dating, married, related, or are business associates. It is not something that we can live without. Not only do we need communication in order to survive and develop properly, it is necessary to function in the world we live in. Some days I don't want to talk to anyone and  I dream of being in a Irish cottage all by myself sippin' hot cocoa and taking care of Shetland ponies--for the rest of my life. Then I realize that people in my life, while they can bring me down, more often uplift me and keep me sane.

Trying to communicate with one another can be hard because we intend for our message to come out one way, but it is interpreted a different way. When we receive a message, we often think of that message in terms of our own perspective, instead of from the the perspective of the one giving it. Our mood can alter how we decode someone else's message. It's all a jumbled mess of trying to figure each other out.

For myself, I find that body language is the number one way I try to decode what people are trying to say to me. If you tell me you "hate me" but then you won't let me go when I'm trying to hug you goodbye, I don't think you really hate me. In fact, the opposite message is conveyed. You can say one thing and mean an entire other thing. If the person you're talking to is perceptive, and knows you, they will generally understand what you're trying not to say. But even then, we can misconstrue.

Then there are people who hardly ever responds to messages, calls, or let you visit them in person, Those people who tell you they "miss you." No wonder we are confused all the time. How do we fix these problems? How do we understand one another? I don't have a clear answer, but the simplest one I can think of is to be honest and straightforward. Don't be passive aggressive about what you mean and ask others how they feel before assuming. An example would be something like this: "Am I right in saying that that thing I did earlier upset you?" This opens the door for that person to explain how they feel and whether or not you were the cause of it. Similar questions can be applied to many different situations.

When we are open and transparent about how we feel, we can have less fear that others will misunderstand. Even if people do, we can know that we did our best to convey truthfully what we are trying to say. Some people definitely twist words to purposely get something different out of your words. But for those who are trying to honestly understand one another, being clear and maybe even over-communicating is better than not at all.

          Generally speaking, life is super rough. Even the good days have their bad parts. Stressful times come and go, but stressful situational also come and STAY. In times like this, if we haven't learned coping methods, a crisis can occur. A crisis is defined as "a time of intense difficulty." When applied to the family, it is a time of intense difficulty that causes major adjustments in the family relationship and/or function. Every crisis causes change, pain and adjustment. But the ability of the family to cope with the situation is what defines it as a crisis or just another every day stressor. Some of these things could be a death in the family, sexual intimacy issues between spouses, divorce, loss of a job, financial problems, mental health issues, hospital bills, pornography, sexual abuse, or taking in an elderly family member. The way that we view the issue and how we respond as a family can make a huge difference in whether or not situations like this tear families apart or make them stronger.

          In my reading this week I read about healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Ineffective coping mechanisms will not usually give us "long-term constructive outcomes." They often make them worse. I wonder how often we make things harder on ourselves by using unhealthy methods. Consider these ideas from Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy:

• Denial - A defense mechanism in which people do not believe what they observe.
• Avoidance - Acknowledging the problem, but avoiding confronting and dealing with it.
• Scapegoating - Admitting there's a problem but finding someone or something to blame for it. -- [Selecting] a family scapegoat to bear the brunt of the responsibility for the problem.

Versus these methods that can help us overcome the problem and bring the family together:

• Take responsibility - Not only will not deny or avoid the problem or blame others, but also that you will not play the victim game. -- Even though you may have been victimized by . . . someone, you will not continue to act as a victim--hurt oppressed, exploited, in pain, and helpless.

• Affirm your own/your family's worth - You may have to remind yourself that you and your family are people with strengths and the capacity to cope effectively.

• Balance self-concern with other-concern - [Taking] responsibility for your own well-being . . . doesn't mean you should ignore the well-being of others. -- A healthy amount of both self-concern and other-concern on the part of at least some, but ideally all, family members.

• Reframing - Changing your perspective. -- You learn to redefine something that you had defined as troublesome as adaptive and useful. -- Reframing is not denial. It is based on the fact that people can look at any situation in a variety of ways.

• Find and use available resources - Internal resources include [family members themselves], family strengths. . .such as open communication of both beliefs and feelings. -- Religious beliefs. -- External sources include. . .family, friends, books, self-help groups, and therapists. . community resources.

          When I look at this picture, I think of how aware you would need to be to hold someone else up. I think of how you would need to know how heavy they feel, what's weighing them down, how hard it will come down on you when you try and support their weight--but this is all part of "mourning with those that mourn" right? I wonder how often we apply this part of our baptismal covenant to our own family? Because our family is so close, we often take for granted that when the family is in pain we are all in pain. How easy it is to become self-absorbed, to look for someone to blame, and to feel unsupported by others. But how much easier would it be if everyone took responsibility and cared for one another as they would like to be cared for? How understood would we feel--how supported? How important is it to confront problems before they get worse so that we can start healing?
          I believe that there is  way to overcome the hardest things in our lives. And what I love the most, is that these methods and ways of overcoming them are all over the scriptures. Christ taught all of this to us already, so that we can overcome through Him and have what we need to make it through this mortal time on Earth. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is like a road map for a hard, but happy life--because we are given all the tools to overcome each challenge. God is quite good.

Sex education & sexuality--the importance of explaining what a healthy relationship is.

          Isn't this something we often overlook when we consider approaching our children about the "birds and the bees"? I feel that if you ask most adolescents and young adults about the reason for post-poning sex, they will most likely tell you because they shouldn't become parents too early or because they "just shouldn't." What I find most interesting about this is that we express the great blessing our children are to us, but then the main reason we give them for not having sex before marriage is to avoid having their own. I think a lot of kids are confused by this. And then there's the often religious misinterpretation that sex is bad. With a message that is all over the place, it's no wonder we see kids becoming curious and engaging in sexual behavior before marriage.

         When I was preparing for class this week I read an article called "Making a Love Connection". Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and Marline Pearson pointed a out a few key things:

"Survey research tells us that teens would like more guidance, information and conversation with parents and other adults about their early relationships. They want to know how to deal with their feelings and attractions. They seek “bigger” meanings for sex than the health-and-risk avoidance messages they commonly get. They would like alternatives to the sexualized peer culture. To continue to make progress in reducing teen pregnancy, therefore, it is not enough to tell teens to “just say no” or to give them information and access to contraception. The simple truth is that many teens are bored with such messages. It is necessary to find new reasons to inspire and motivate teens to avoid pregnancy and early parenthood. Relationship education offers the promise and possibility of giving teens more compelling reasons to postpone sex."

         It is essential that we take time to help children understand why sex can attribute to a healthy relationship, in marriage, and why it can be so destructive beforehand. While on that topic, defining things that make a healthy relationship and listing some reasons for desiring to have a more intimate and serious relationship, would help direct our youth better and give them motivation to analyze their relationships more closely. I wholeheartedly believe that this will help us to have healthier and closer relationships with our children and build more avenues for trust and openness, while giving them what they want--a little more clarity. If we don't do that, then they will take the worldly interpretations of a "healthy relationship" and use that to define their early dating experiences. What can we do? To put it simply, be honest and pay attention to your child and their questions. It doesn't feel so awkward when you realize that having these conversations in preparation rather than after something undesirable has happened is the best way to approach things.

Isn't it better to plan the wedding together instead of letting the mothers and daughters do it? Shouldn't the Father be in the delivery room comforting the struggling mom, instead of someone else? What is it about having children that can make marriage satisfaction levels decrease?

These are all questions that, to be honest, I never actually thought about. There are so many traditions, cultures, and social norms that we accept. It's a wonder that we don't ponder if there are better ways.

The first things we discussed this week was planning the wedding together. A lot of girls actually plan their wedding with their mothers. This time is bonding time and is best used to draw closer to your husband.

• How much can you afford to spend? 
• Do you want to enter marriage indebted to your parents, someone else, or do you want to create a budget you can afford yourself? 
• What kind of ceremony do you want? 
• How can this planning process apply to your preparation for marriage? 

If all these questions are talked over with the mother or mother-in-law, or sister planning the wedding--how does the husband feel? How much further away do we become from our future spouse before we even tie the knot? I'd say that this is one of the most pivotal times for couples to prepare and to overcome challenges as they stress and prepare for their wedding day.

Another problem is that the only thing a lot of newlyweds think about prior to the wedding is the wedding itself. Preparation for the actual marriage is forgotten. It can be very difficult and involves a lot of teamwork and communication.

• What kind of relationship are we going to have with our extended family? 
• How are we going to spend our money? 
• Are you someone who needs space when they sleep or are you a cuddler? 
• How are we going to overcome disagreements when we have an argument or a misunderstanding? 

It's important to set the stage for how the marriage will run before you enter into that contract. It can save time, hurt, and a lot of pain if you talk it out beforehand instead of trying to struggle through it afterwards. While every marriage will have it's rough times, regardless of preparation, laying a firm groundwork for trust can ease the adjustment and help you become stronger as a couple.

The same principles for these two ideas apply to the questions I asked at the beginning of this blog post. Sacred moments in a marriage should be thought out and planned together. Time, effort, and love should be communicated to each other before and after major changes in a relationship or marriage. Who will be int the delivery room, how you will raise your children, what you will apply from your own rearing experience, how involved the extended members of the family will be in raising your children, and how you will make time and support each other as equal parents is important to keeping a marriage alive and healthy during it's growing years.

I feel that just like we go to our Heavenly Father for guidance with everything else--we communicate with Him--our spouse deserves the same. We must communicate with our spouses and sometimes, set boundaries with other members of the family, in order to create our own heaven at home. We have many expectations of each other, some that the other person may not know about. Letting them know about these expectations and needs and working together to be the best you can be is the ideal way to form a marriage. I know healthy family relationships are built on trust, love, equality, a love for the Lord, and mutual understanding. Lean upon your Father in Heaven when things are hard, but remember that He gave you your spouse to lean on, too. Help each other and be open. You will find miracles can happen continually throughout your lifetime together.

Why are we attracted to people who are total jerks? What is it that we find so "great" about them? The term "misattribution of arousal" is something I did not know about until this week. This is when we associate the adrenaline rush we are feeling with feelings of love. Research has shown that when put in situations where we feel adrenaline(such as a haunted house, a roller coaster, or even viewing 20 minutes of war footage)--women are more likely to rate men as 2 points more attractive, on a scale of 1-10, whereas before they had rated them lower. Studies have literally shown that when shown a picture before an exciting amusement ride and afterwards, this phenomenon was happening. But it was almost entirely happening to women! Wow! I look back on the dates I've had, the experiences with men, and even just the confusion I've had over exciting guy "friends" who I wasn't sure if I liked or not--and I see this!

Something that I believe feeds this is the media. The movies and the music all tend to paint an exciting, adventurous guy as the one who gets our hearts pumping. Seems to me, that sometime what's pumping through our hearts isn't love, but an adrenaline rush that we mistake for it. My professor even said he knew a guy would purposely take girls on long, exciting dates the first date to make them like him more because he knew this was a real effect on us.

A few days ago, I ordered the book "How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk". Why? Because this is a tendency I have found trapped by for my entire dating life. He speaks much truth in this book--please read it! I'm only 3 chapters in, but I already feel like I'm finding out why I've fallen for jerks time and time again. Not every guy I've liked has been a jerk, but there have always been things that have kept it from lasting. I know that there is a person out there for me--I'm actually quite the catch. Many of us are, but we start to feel as though we aren't because our track record shows us with the same type of guy or girl over and over and over again.

In order to break the pattern, we must look to ourselves first--aren't we the common denominator? Van Epp said something that I really appreciate, "Fix yourself first, or your unresolved emotional problems will disrupt both your choice of a partner and the relationship you establish." Regardless of how healthy we seem to others, I believe everyone has things they need to work on and some have things in their past they haven't resolved. If we can recognize the patterns, or the "why" of our actions, I feel we can better understand why we keep going in the wrong direction. Are we misleading ourselves? I know that in the past, I felt that opposites attract. Lately I've realized how refreshing it is to meet someone who has things in common with me! How great is it to feel comfortable in your own skin.

Dating is tough and falling in love is even rougher, but there is hope out there. I believe we need to take things into our own hands if we are to figure out our love lives--but that we should seek direction from someone who knows better. In my personal life, I can confidently say that God has directed my paths. I've had many a situation where I wanted to date someone, but felt so wrong about it, and couldn't explain why. Later on, I found out many reasons why said people would have been bad for me, or even toxic. There is One who is all-knowing. He sees all and can help all who come unto Him. If you're having a rough time, give a shout out to your Father in Heaven. He's cheering you on and wants to help guide you in finding an eternal partner. He won't do everything for you, but as we take little steps to understand ourselves better, we will open up our hearts to receive revelation and LOVE

How To Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk

Looking Through Rose-colored Glasses by Rachel Segura, '17

Same-gender Attraction. It's a hefty topic and a controversial one. Personally, this is a topic I've been increasingly interested in as I have become older, mostly because when I was in middle school and high school, I identified as a bi-sexual. A lot of people don't know this about me, and it often surprises them, but my close friends and I often joke about those days. I usually describe it as a phase, but based off research, there was a lot more that can influence same-sex attraction than I thought. I also found the discussion on gender roles very interesting to me. Everyone but my family thought I was a boy growing up, so hearing my classmates opinions was really intriguing, but I'd like to focus on the first topic today.

Growing up there was six children in the house and my parents. My half-siblings had a lot of influence on me growing up. I always aspired to be like my older sister Christina. She was so cool and collected all the time. My brother was a little adventurous with his teenage adventures and that kept me out of trouble for a bit, seeing him struggle, and my other half sister was always boy crazy. I think I took on a little bit of each of their attributes when I entered middle school and high school--even though they had all moved out by that time. I had a rough time in school. Figured out I liked boys and girls, which started with my friend enlightening me on the options of sexuality: bisexual, heterosexual, or gay. I'm still not 100% sure when I decided what I was, but I remember finding women attractive and being intrigued by them for a number of years beforehand. I felt like my eyes had been opened. My mother had her suspicions, my extended family found out after I came out over the dinner table once at my aunts, and no one said a word. The most crap I ever got for "being me" was from my suspicious mom, but not even much then--just disapproval. I believe that because of my motivation and desire to change, along with my religious beliefs, any desire to date women left a few years after graduating high school. Does this happen with everyone? No. Can it happen, I believe it can.

According to research there is not just one way to categorize someone who has same-gender attraction. Science seems to show that there are psychosocial aspects, possible biological traits and honestly our agency, that can influence this. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to write a political post about my stance on this issue. It's far-reaching and complicated. What I am saying is that research shows that we aren't "born that way" exclusively. In fact, some LGBTs would find that offensive saying that stance degrades their choice to love someone of the same sex. As if it were a disease they cannot rid themselves of if they wanted to.

I say we because I don't believe I was born to like men and women the same. If I was, I'd still consider dating women. I do believe that a lot of things in my environment growing up influenced me and that I also chose to define myself as such for a number of years. I also chose not to date women later on, because my choices led me to desire men exclusively.

I never went through reparative therapy like some people do, but after the discussions and videos I watched this week, I believe the option to receive therapy for those who would like to try and change is good. I believe that just like the option for men and women to date whomever they want, watch whatever movie they want, go to counseling for whatever issues they feel they are struggling with--if they dislike the same-gender attractions they have, or feel bad, sad, mad, or are just curious about themselves and what science shows about same-gender attraction, they should have a right to seek out help--even if just to understand themselves better. I find it appalling that people would want to make therapy like this unavailable and label it as wrong because the world thinks people are "born that way". If "God made me this way it shouldn't be something that should be treated".

I think this is so personal that I believe anyone should have the option, but I don't believe children should be forced to enter into such therapy against their will because of disapproving parents. Many people have gone through reparative therapy and have changed. Some haven't. And not everyone will. Every therapist I've seen discuss the issue admitted that it doesn't work for everyone, but the likelihood of it working is higher in those "motivated" individuals. Even for some of them, it does not always work. It's a complicated thing. Do such individuals need to be "fixed"? NO. I don't think there's anything wrong with them because they believe differently than I do. There are people, on both sides of the spectrum, that change their perspective of themselves throughout their life, and they should have a place to go should they seek a change.

I know that for me, I have learned to respect my friends who don't share my heterosexual identification. I have many friends who love themselves for it and those friends who fight against it because they don't want those feelings. I hope that we can all gain a greater respect and love for one another and a better understanding of the research that is being done to TRY and understand this issue better. Unfortunately, research on this subject has become increasingly controversial and some are trying to prohibit it. I know that knowledge can open up doors of understanding for those who seek it. If we could all put away our political platforms for a minute and share what we know to be true and what we feel, we could find more light and love.

I had the unique opportunity to participate in a role play this week. In preparation for class, we were asked to read a document that talked about undocumented families, the average cost of deciding to come to America, the dangers, and the changes in the family that can be seen as time and space apart changes things.

On average it takes $4000 for each person to cross the border. For a family of 4, that's $12,000.They often have to try multiple times if they are deported or if the coyotes transporting them are dishonest and take their money without fulfilling their end of the bargain. Some die on the journey. You can only take what you have on your person. The more money you have the more likely you are to die. On average, it takes about 3 years to make enough money to relocate a family of this size to the U.S.

In this role play we initially had a nuclear family from Mexico: father, mother, son, and daughter. We also had an aunt and uncle, their child (cousin), and their grandma. I played the grandma in this situation.

We stood in front of the class for 45 minutes and gave our perspective of the situation presented and answered questions as if we were the family. The father of the family had decided that he would go to America to raise money for his wife and kids to join him in the U.S. He figured it would take about 6 months. So he took the dangerous trip to the U.S.,crossing the border illegally. The children were an 11 year old daughter and 15 year old son. The mother started working while Dad was gone and so did the son. The daughter spent a lot of time with her cousin. The aunt and uncle took on a lot of family responsibility to help take care of their sister and her kids. Grandma watched the children and played more of a parent role than a grandma role. Three years went by and the wife and 2 kids were finally able to join their Dad. Though less willing than they were at the start, they went. Thankfully, the coyotes kept their end of the deal, and the dangerous trip to the U.S. worked out alright.

When asked how I felt as a grandma, watching my family leave for possibly forever--I'm not gonna lie--I felt heartbreak.

My professor said, "How do you feel Grandma?--watching them leave?"

Me: "I feel like all my posterity is dying. I'll probably never see them again."

It got kind of quiet as my professor pondered that idea for a second.

Professor: "I've never even thought about it like that. You most likely won't ever see them again."

Putting all politics and prejudices aside that anyone might have for Mexican families that come into the U.S. illegally--I felt the struggle putting myself in the middle of that scenario. How hard to separate yourselves and dedicate all you have, even your peace and tranquility as a family, to make a better life for your children. I think everyone involved felt the reality of what some may go through when they try to come into the U.S. to make a better life.

As we continued with the role play, we saw how much the family dynamic had changed and how things weren't as easy as they predicted, The father who was once a man who took charge and oversaw other workers, was now on the low end of the ranks. The mother had to continue to work instead of being at home with her children all while adjusting to the father being the head of the household again. The aunt and uncle eventually came over from Mexico with their daughter, and everyone was living together. Without much privacy, the stress built. The children struggled to find friends at school because they didn't know how to speak English. There are so many things that altered the way the family was before. I can't imagine how hard it is.

My parents separated when I was 9 year old. I know what it's like to have a change in dynamic. After the separation we relocated well over 15 times before I graduated high school. It was hard to establish relationships and feel secure. I didn't have a dad for those years. While I now have an established relationship with my dad, I feel for these families. When one family member is misplaced--it changes everything.

I know that we have many goals for our family and it doesn't always work out like we planned. Although I'm not endorsing anyone moving into any country illegally, I know that our Heavenly Father is happy with our efforts to take care of our family. Sometimes we have to do hard things. I'm grateful that I won't ever need to feel the need to sneak into another country to create a better life for my children. But I'm sure that I will be asked to do many hard things as a parent in the future. I honestly pray for the strength often to make the right decisions so that I can affect my future family in the most positive of ways.

Seeing life from a grandma's point of view for just a minute, I felt the importance of leaving a healthy, successful family behind--and honestly--the hope of feeling loved and appreciated by them while I'm still here. I hope I can reach out to my elder family members and let them know how appreciative I am of them, even in their critical times. Sometimes it's hard not to be selfish and to remember that we are here because of them. When is the last time you called you mom, grandma, grandfather, father, uncle, aunt? Because of them we are here! Show some love. Appreciate. One day they'll be gone.

"The Earth will be smitten with a curse unless there is a welding link of some kind or other between the fathers and the children..." --D&C 128:18

Have you ever heard of a genogram? It is a way of mapping the family and viewing the way relationships develop and the results of those relationships between family members. I had a crazy week this week with my family--it was actually really hard. Going to class and discussing the different systems we see in the family and the way our relationships and interactions with each other effect the family got me thinking about what's going on right now. I can see patterns happening in my family!
One pattern I've noticed so far is that my grandpa, grand-uncle, and my dad were all married three times and the last marriage lasted the longest. The brothers only had children with their first wife and subsequently didn't want anymore children. My dad had children with each wife, but it didn't last in close relationships. I want to know how these patterns started, why they continued, and what might have made them happen in the first place. Is it because of the way the father acted?--the effect of the mothers?--the way they were raised?
In the Old Testament, New Testament, and the Book of Mormon, the Lord often mentions how in 3 or 4 generations the consequences of the actions of certain persons will be brought upon their descendants. We often think of the Lord punishing these people--but in reality it's the effect of our decisions now that will have lasting effects on our posterity. How wonderful it is that we actually have the power to effect not just us, but generations of family members by making inclusive, enriching decisions that lead to close, healthy family relationships. We can do it if we pay attention!
I have a goal to establish healthy patterns in my family. It'll be hard, but I know that the Lord has an outline for families. He has a Plan--it's simple. It's not a secret. It's laid out in the Atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ and his subsequent Plan for us to find a fullness of joy--in families. 

              The family is sometimes all I sit and think about. My family now. My future family. My friend's families. The family dynamics of the world nowadays. It can all be a bit overwhelming at times. We studied trends that are connected to marriage and family as well as The Population Bomb this week. It was startling to see all the things that can contribute to the rise or fall of a the healthy family in society. I realize that just because one thing happened doesn't mean it caused another--but there is some interesting evidence for these trends.

              Some of the things we discussed were pre-marital sex, co-habitation, divorce rates, the number of people living alone, and children being born to unmarried women. It is amazing how all these things seem to connect and contribute to the family dynamics we have today. A few weeks ago, I was watching a video--I don't remember who was speaking--and he was discussing the family. He said that children in my generation have been "dealt a bad hand". We had parents entering the workforce increasingly, relationships that aren't as close, smaller families, and parents who gave us everything so when we entered the workforce and were not ready for it--our confidence went down. He said we have the lowest self esteem of any generation. I thought that an intriguing thought.

              When I started this class, the first thing we read about was emotions--specifically the need for social interaction to function healthily and loneliness, I myself have anxiety and depression. It comes and goes, but I have moments everyday where I know that I need to go be around someone or I'm going to feel worse. I'm thankful that at this time I have wonderful roommates. In the past, when I've been lonely or hurt or unsure of why I feel bad--I'll call my sisters. But one thing I am sure of--WE NEED LOVE. We need other people. God made us that way! Just like wolves survive in packs and other animals are loners--we were made this way. It is a fundamental need.

              Out of all these trends there is one that makes me pretty sad. While I one hundred percent support working mothers, the amount of women leaving children under 6 years old in daycare while they work has gone up tremendously. Studies have linked higher self-esteem and confidence with those who have a close relationship with their mothers and teachers. Interesting right? I'm curious to delve into more details of these studies one of these days--but I wonder if our desire to work is having a negative effect on our children. Do we work because the world tells us we need to, for more money, or out of necessity? Often, we can do nothing about it--we often don't have a choice.

              Do some of us choose the desire for more money over quality time with our family?

              Why do we belittle the stay-at-home mom?

              How do outsiders opinions affect our view of raising a family?

              While many of us think that during the Baby Boom everyone had 10 children--that  number is quite wrong. On average, the number of children being born to a woman in her lifetime was 3.7. We always think of this time period as when our population increased like crazy. It did. But we started to worry. Why? The family is sometimes all I sit and think about. My family now. My future family. My friend's families. The family dynamics of the world nowadays. It can all be a bit overwhelming at times. We studied trends that are connected to marriage and family as well as The Population Bomb this week. It was startling to see all the things that can contribute to the rise or fall of a the healthy family in society. I realize that just because one thing happened doesn't mean it caused another--but there is some interesting evidence for these trends. It would take me hours to talk to about everything I learned this week, but I’ve attached a link to the documentary we watched this week below, if anyone is interested.

              In 1968, The Population Bomb was published. It said that big families are detrimental to the environment and our future. We won’t have any food left to feed the world if we have big family! The world will be a dump of a place. How will society function when there isn’t room to walk around or water to drink?

              The fact is, having children didn’t contribute itself to the growth of population. After World War II, the increase in effective healthcare practices and technology has almost doubled our life span. Not only are there babies being born, but people are living longer--of course the population is going to be higher. Sadly, studies also show that because we are having less children, when the population spikes, and the adults who were boom during the Baby Boom die, the population will start declining. The U.S. is one of few countries who has a fertility replacement rate that is high enough to keep the population steady. AND--for all of those people who hate immigrants or dislike them coming into the country--it’s only because of their contributions in big families, that we even have a replacement rate high enough to keep our population stable. Go figure!

              Unfortunately, The Population Bomb has had a lasting effect upon our view of families. I find it sad that, being based off opinion and visual observation, one man’s comparison of the entire planet to a third world Calcutta, sparked a change in the world view of the family. I heard interviews where people said  “Stop having big families so the few children you do have can have food” or “The opportunities for those in big families will be much less.” What is going on?! This kind of hurts my heart a bit. I have a big family, lots of skeletons in the closet, grudges, and quite a bit of dysfunctionality in places. But I wouldn’t give up my large family for the world. I have grown up learning things from each of my siblings and growing because of it. Some of them have helped me make decisions to be more responsible so I can handle my money better, other have helped me through being a bad example, or for being there for me when I needed someone. I learned life lessons. Big families are good!

              While I don’t believe every family is meant to be large, and many people cannot have children, I hope that we take the time to consider the spirits of those children that are waiting in the pre-mortal life. They would like to come down and have the same opportunity to live and learn and grow, as we do. Something striking hit me at the end of our last class. Our professor gave us the opportunity to discuss the question:

              “If you decide not to have a child, do they get another chance to be born?”
              My partner and I both decided that of course, God will let that child be born into another family, if we aren’t ready to bear that child at the time, or if we feel we want to wait to have children. Every soul will get the opportunity to come down.

              My professor then quoted an apostle and said something along the lines of “If you will not open up your homes and hearts to those spirits waiting to be born into a good family, then you leave them the chance of being born into a wicked one.”

              I’ve never thought about it like that and it made my desire to have a big family seem more important. What I didn’t realize before is, we can be the ones to make sure that our children get the same opportunities WE had growing up. While everyone is born into this life, as promised, we don’t all get the same opportunities in our mortal lives to learn and grow.

              I believe that solemn prayer is needed when deciding to raise a family. Not only do we need to prepare ourselves, but we also need to be open to the personalities, difficulties, and changes that will alter and enrich our lives when we do start having children. While I’m not married, I know marriage is difficult. But it can be an enriching and learning experience. I know that the world-view of what we should do with our lives is often the easier way. Having less children means more money for you and for your children. The only thing about that is--material things and opportunities can never make up for the social, loving connection of family members. God intended for our families to enrich our lives, but it is up to us what we make of the time we have with them. Burden or Strength? I hope you’ll think about it.

For those interested in watching the documentary we watched in class, it is listed here in 2 parts.
Demographic Winter Part 1
Demographic Winter Part 2

My name is Amy Lynne Jacques!

I'm currently taking a Family Relations class for my major in Marriage and Family. I'm excited to take this course and learn more about the family unit in general, but more specifically how I can help my family be closer and healthier in the future. I will be sharing many of my thoughts on my blog each week. Feel free to comment with your own impressions or opinionsl, I would love to hear from you!

Stay warm this week!